Louis Dunn tells us about his experiences of fatherhood, his struggles with having an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and why he helped to establish a
charity called Dads in Mind.
My name is Louis and I am a 27-year old dad from sunny Devon. I live with my partner Daisy in Bristol and my son, Francis, who is 23 months.
When Frankie was born, I was excited, exhausted and emotional, which I think is fairly normal.
Time seemed to fly by, but at the same time go slowly.
Daisy was a fantastic natural mother from the get go but it was physically and emotionally exhausting. Having a baby to be responsible for 24/7 can be overwhelming at times.
Thoughts would crowd my brain. I thought I was dangerous. I feared I could hurt my son.
The guilt of these thoughts made me want to run away. In fact, I did run away for a while. Until I got help, I didn’t know for certain what was wrong with me.
I always thought my brain was strange. From a young age, every time I looked at the sun I worried for days about losing my sight. I was obsessed there was a kidnapper in my cupboard.
When my son was born, I felt it was time to learn to take control of my mental wellbeing
As I got older, I had many days when I just didn’t feel I was present. Caught up in a whirlwind of thoughts, like being caught in a spider’s web of emotions unable to pull myself free.
The habits I’d spent years forming acted like a life jacket keeping me afloat in the raging sea of my many anxieties. But I didn’t like to admit something was wrong.
When Frankie arrived it was time to give up denying that I had a problem. As I gazed at his tiny vulnerable body, I knew I had to take action. I wanted to love him, I wanted to be a good dad, I wanted to provide. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the perfect dad.
Intrusive thoughts – unpleasant, involuntary images that are really distressing – began creeping in more and more. What if Frankie’s blanket suffocates him? What if I put him on the floor and crush him with my knee? What if I stamp on his head?’
I began to believe I really could harm him. It was agonising – I hated the thoughts and, even though I knew that’s all they were, I felt guilty for having them.
‘People don’t really understand OCD and often think it’s all about order, tidiness and incessant hand washing. In my case, it’s not. It’s a crippling condition that left me feeling stranded inside my own thinking (obsessions) and stuck in habits (compulsions).’
Everything exploded when Frankie was three months old. At the end of my tether and completely hysterical, I left home at 7am having not slept all night and began calling counselling numbers and went to A&E.
A private psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD triggered by becoming a dad. The NHS does not have funding in this area. It was useful for me to be diagnosed as it helped me begin to control my condition, take the right medication and get the therapies I needed.
The birth of my son acted like a catalyst exploding inside me, resulting in a passionate desire to seek out help. It was the beginning of a process that has transformed my life.
I began seeing a psychotherapist who helped and I continued to take antidepressants.
I found that mindfulness really helped me. It’s a tool that can be used anywhere to try to find peace by focusing on what is happening inside your body and mind. I learnt about it by reading Jon Kabit Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living.
Meditating for at least 20 minutes a day didn’t come easily at first, but the rewards that I started to notice in my mind and body kept me at it.
Mindfulness has become a way of life and, as a result, my thoughts seem to have slowed down, giving me the space to enjoy my life from day to day.
We’d been to an NCT antenatal course, which was a good way of meeting other parents in our situation and getting some practical information about the ins and outs of parenthood. But more information on mental health for both partners would have been invaluable.
Nobody seemed to have the specialist knowledge I needed
It was difficult to get support. I remember various doctors shrugging their shoulders, not only because they didn’t really understand what I was going through, but also there was no support available for dads.
I was lucky enough to come across the Bristol organisation Bluebell where I found the understanding, care and knowledge I was looking for.
They had a specialist dad’s worker who really understood my situation. It was great to speak to someone on a non-judgmental level that just got it. It felt like a weight coming off my shoulders.
I also read an informative article on postnatal depression in dads on NCT’s website. It was very useful for normalising the way I was feeling and trying to explain it to others.
When I had my difficulties Bluebell had a dad’s worker who helped me on a one-to-one basis – listening, offering advice and signposting me to services I could access.
When the role came up for a dad’s worker at Bluebell, I felt I had the experience to support other dads. We wanted the dads’ service to be re-branded so we came up with the charity Dads in Mind.
I hope that dads in the Bristol area feel supported through our online forum, monthly meet ups, regular updates on Facebook, practical information and monthly blog or vlog.
We also provide telephone, text, email and one-to-one support and share stories from other dads.
There are other great services available throughout the UK. However, there could be more.
It would be useful to make parents-to-be more aware of perinatal mental health issues so that they know that these can be a possibility in both partners.
I think it is so important to talk to someone. Speak up about how you are feeling.
I’d also say be kind to yourself. Sitting and doing mindfulness meditation for 10 minutes every day or going for a walk can help.
It’s hard for men to come forward and talk about their mental health due to the stigma attached
It’s important to take some time for yourself – have a lunch break away from your desk, take the dog for a walk, play a computer game, read a book or listen to your favourite album – whatever works that leaves you feeling you’ve rested.
And, to mums who are worried about their partners, let them know they’re not alone.
One in 10 fathers experience difficulties with mental health during the perinatal period.
We are doing well. I am now confident in looking after my son on a weekly basis.
Daisy was hugely supportive. She was very empathetic, although it could be exhausting at times managing me and a new baby.
I still have intrusive thoughts occasionally but can manage them.
It helped for me to recognise that the illness could not be defeated or zapped into thin air. It was about accepting I had it and managing it day by day.
We are expecting another baby in January, which shows how far we have come.
Bluebell and Dads in Mind
Supporting families through depression and anxiety related to pregnancy and birth
Mindfulness meditation
Tools to help you improve your mental wellbeing
NCT website
We have lots of information on mental health
NCT helpline
0300 330 0700
Our helpline offers practical and emotional support in all areas of pregnancy, birth and early parenthood, including mental health
MIND
This is a leading mental health charity with information on postnatal depression
The Fatherhood Institute
A think-tank specialising in fatherhood and publishing the latest research on dads and postnatal depression
Dads Matter UK
Supporting dads and mums suffering from anxiety, depression and posttraumatic stress
