Julio Schreier talks about his wife’s postnatal depression (PND) and how men should never be afraid to ask for help or talk about their feelings.
My wife’s postnatal depression (PND) started after our first son was born five years ago. At first, we thought it was due to a combination of things, such as loneliness and a new human being in our lives who we were learning to care for and who had become the centre of attention. However, things got worse.
A few minutes after I would arrive at work, my wife would call and ask me to come home because she didn’t want to be alone with our baby and didn’t know what to do.
It was a difficult time for us with very limited support – our families live abroad and we had few friends to count on. We had become NCT members but we didn’t do an antenatal course and didn’t have an immediate group of new parents to talk to.
I was running on auto-pilot and didn’t realise the impact of her PND on me as well.
Despite asking for help again and again from the health services, we were told this was a mild ‘will soon improve’ condition. But her PND got worse until we made the radical decision for all of us to travel back to Brazil to be closer to our families. We finally received the support and treatment we needed there.
Once I was reassured she was getting the appropriate help and support, I returned to the UK. I didn’t receive any support during this time as a dad and partner. Probably because of a dad’s instinct to take care of his family, I was running on auto-pilot and didn’t realise the impact of her PND on me as well.
Sharing my feelings was the key for me and probably a good start for a lot of men experiencing first-hand PND.
All of your efforts are valid and they will help your family, but it’s also important to say that treating PND is a specialist area and that you should encourage your partner to seek professional support.
When I came back to the UK alone, the reality suddenly hit me. Looking at an empty bed and at an empty cot, miles away from my family and thinking about how much they suffered, I felt useless and tried to find alternative ways to keep my mind occupied.
It was a tough time when I reached extreme stress levels at work. Finally, I cried for help and talked to a friend who was a psychologist. I realised I was suffering from the aftershock of the events and showing mild signs of depression.
Fortunately, I was brave enough to ask for help and to talk about my feelings. However, based on the lack of support my wife got, I decided to be treated by a specialist based in my home country.
Getting the right support will ensure you’re better equipped to help when needed. Support can be in the form of specialists, counselling or psychological treatment, or talking to friends and family.
The treatment I had, which was self-analysis of the situation with the support of a specialist, helped me to identify my problems and learn how to deal with them.
Initially, I was treated on a one-to-one basis, which was followed by email or Skype.
I would advise other dads who are experiencing their partner’s PND to seek some form of support. You should never be ashamed to ask for help as a man.
Since the PND, and our full recovery, we’ve had another baby, who is now two years old.
With love and specialist care, everyone will recover.
Second time round, we had more support and my wife was more engaged with our NCT branch. When she thought she had mastitis, she called the NCT helpline for reassurance, for instance. My wife sometimes asks me about number three!
Our story shows that, with love and specialist care, everyone will recover. You will also understand yourself better and what is really important in life.
For information and help after a challenging experience of pregnancy, birth or parenthood, call NCT’s Helpline on 0300 330 0770.
Read more about dads and PND.
