Chris and Mike tell us about their life as new dads, the birth of their daughter through surrogacy and how the trials and tribulations of parenthood are universal.
Our beautiful daughter Lucille is now almost a year, and it feels like a lifetime since we were sitting in our first NCT class, anticipating her arrival. The classes were a good starting point, but they gave us so much more, not least the invaluable friends we made.
It has been essential to have a handful of like-minded new parents who we can call upon to ask the most random, and sometimes slightly ridiculous, questions. I guess the questions never end, but they have become less random, and certainly less ridiculous now we have a robust little crawler who laughs and mimics us at every given moment – we really have to watch what we say in front of her.
We had to interpret our antenatal classes in a slightly different way from the other parents, as we are a male same-sex couple who had our child with a special friend who agreed to help us become parents through surrogacy.
It surprised me how many times I had to answer the question, ‘but where is her mum?
Our friends in our NCT group always treated us as just another couple, but the same accepting attitude was not always apparent in the wider world – ranging from waiters to healthcare professionals. I guess it’s the way life is set up: people are used to there being a mum and dad and if there’s any variation on that, they have questions that are sometimes a little tiresome, and even intrusive.
During the first few months after Lucille’s birth, it surprised me how many times I had to answer the question, ‘but where is her mum?’. I wondered how someone would cope with that question if they had been a new dad who had lost their female partner in childbirth.
One healthcare professional who couldn’t have been more understanding was the head midwife at the hospital where our surrogate gave birth to Lucille.
She was kind enough to meet us well in advance of the birth to discuss our birth plan, which was important because the hospital had never previously dealt with a surrogacy arrangement, let alone with two male parents.
It was also important that everyone involved understood that it was Mike and I who were Lucille’s parents.
For example, it was crucial that Mike and I were able to stay on the maternity ward beyond visiting hours to be on hand to feed and care for Lucille as soon as she was born, not to mention the all-important cutting of the cord (Mike did the honours) and first skin-to-skin experience (that was down to me).
It was also important that everyone involved understood that it was Mike and I who were Lucille’s parents, and thanks to the support of the head midwife, this was exactly how we were treated.
The fact that we are a male same-sex couple does mean that there are some differences, but for the most part, as our NCT friends would attest, we are just as crazily in love and obsessed with our child as any other parent.
For information and support after a challenging experience of pregnancy, birth or parenthood, call our helpline on 0300 330 0770.
